Introduction
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul of Tarsus gave two fundamental instructions for a successful marriage: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Eph. 5:33). However, if you most likely will never hear this in marriage counseling. Most marriage counselors, whether Christian or secular, use a form of psychotherapy ("talk therapy") known as gestalt, a German word meaning "in the whole form." The editors of WebMD define gestalt therapy as "a form of psychotherapy centered on increasing a person's awareness, freedom, and self-direction. It's a form of therapy that focuses on the present moment rather than past experiences." The staff of Psychology Today adds, "Instead of simply talking about past situations, clients are encouraged to experience them, perhaps through re-enactment. Through the gestalt process, clients learn to become more aware of how their negative thoughts and behaviors block true self-awareness and make them unhappy." Most of these gestalt re-enactments of marriage problems lead to divorce. If the husband and wife have a present habit of toxic communication, they will continue that pattern in Gestalt therapy. Communication in marriage must have a coequal foundation for the wife and the husband, lovingly and respectively.
Love & Respect in Marriage
Marriage always centers on whether a husband loves his wife and whether a wife respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 says, "The wife must respect her husband" rather than love him. Yes, wives must love their husbands, too, but men understand love as being respected. In other words, actions and behavior matter more to a man than kind words or being provided for. A wife can lavish her husband with affection but not respect him. Likewise, a man can say the loving words his wife needs to hear but not mean them. Unfortunately, love and respect have everything to do with the respective reasons why men and women commit adultery. If a man feels that another woman other than his wife genuinely respects him, he will feel the missing feeling with the wrong woman. Additionally, if a woman feels more cared for by another man than her husband, she will go with the wrong man. However, this lack of love or respect is not an excuse to commit adultery, and neither spouse has the right to hold the marriage ransom with their feelings.
Merriam-Webster defines love as:
1. A. (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
–(2) attraction based on sexual desire—affection and tenderness felt by lovers
–(3) affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
–B. assurance of affection 2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3. A. (1): the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration
—-B. a beloved person
4. A: unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the good of another, such as:
–(1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind
–(2) brotherly concern for others
—-B. one's adoration of God
Merriam-Webster defines respect as:
1. relation or reference to a particular thing or situation 2. the act of giving particular attention—consideration
3. A. high or particular regard; esteem
—-B. quality or state of being esteemed
—-C. respects (plural): expressions of high or special regard or deference
So, yes, husbands want their wives to hold them in high regard and consideration. Wives desire a selfless, enthusiastic husband who devotes their attention to them, finds them sexually irresistible, and is both tender and always benevolent. Paul listed the same qualities for "steadfast love" (Greek: agapē; G26) when he wrote, "Love is patient, love is kind, it isn't jealous, it doesn't brag, it isn't arrogant, it isn't rude, it doesn't seek its advantage, it isn't irritable, it doesn't keep a record of complaints, it isn't happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. As for prophecies, they will be brought to an end. As for tongues, they will stop. As for knowledge, it will be brought to an end" (1 Cor. 13:4-8). Remember that Paul wrote this neither as poetry nor a love song. He intended his words to describe all Christian behavior, including marriage relationships.
Marriage & Sex: Becoming One Flesh
In Genesis, Moses recorded these words about Adam and Eve and for all humankind:
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame (2:23-25).
Jesus appealed to Genesis 2 when he gave his thesis statement about marriage: "Haven't you read that at the beginning, the creator made them male and female? And God said, 'Because of this, a man should leave his father and mother and be joined together with his wife, and the two will be one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, humans must not pull apart what God has put together" (Matt. 19:4-6; cf. Mark 10:6-9). Paul also referred to Genesis 2 when he scolded the Corinthian church about their sexual immorality (Greek: porneia; G4202). He detailed how sex, no matter how casual or exploitive (e.g., prostitution), results in the people involved becoming "one flesh" as if they were married (see 1 Cor. 6:15-17). Therefore, we must take sex very seriously and only give ourselves to someone we want to be "one flesh" for life. Because God integrated childbirth into sexual intercourse as our only means of natural reproduction, we must only be intimate with someone of the opposite sex with whom we want to have children.
Today, our culture has tried to redefine sex as a selfish, hedonistic indulgence in which people casually discard their sex partners—and the conception miracle is considered inconvenient (see "Pastoral Response: Abortion"). In the same way, the utilitarian view of human sexuality results in an entitlement mentality regarding unnatural intercourse and degrading lusts (see Rom. 1:26-27; cf. "Pastoral Response: Homosexuality"). God intended sexuality to be good, free of the abuses, victimization, and spiritual impoverishment of casual sex. The only way this is possible is by the commitment to marry and to be married. The scriptures deem any relationship outside of the public and legal obligation between a man and a woman of natural gender to be "fornication," a form of prostitution without payment. In other words, someone who commits porneia is a pornē (G4204; from pernēmi, "to export for sale"), a prostitute who works for free. Likewise, "fornication" derives from the Latin word fornix, a vaulted archway where prostitutes would stand out of the rain for customers that became synonymous with brothels. Paul warned us not to degrade the image of God within us by freely giving ourselves to sexually immoral behavior in the habit of prostitutes.
Intimacy: Making Love Last for Life
Now, let us move on to a more positive discussion of sexual intimacy. Throughout scripture, the normative and de facto definition of marriage involves one man and one woman united as "one flesh" in a public covenant that bonds them for life in Christ's name (see 2 Cor. 11:2; 1 Tim. 3:2, 12; Heb. 13:4). Paul compared Jesus' love and sacrificed for the Christian church to the love a husband should have for his wife:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh" [Gen. 2:24]. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:21-33).
The Bible does not shy away from sexual intimacy; it is a gift from God to bond a husband and wife. The groom in the Song of Solomon tells his blushing bride, "Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense [i.e., her clitoris and her pubis]. You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (4:5-7). This groom looks forward to making love to his new bride for the first time! King David wrote poetically about a man's delight after his first night of marital intimacy: "It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber" (Ps. 19:5). Yes, the Bible includes a verse about how a man feels after getting some! Sex is most beautiful and intimate between a husband and wife committed for life. The only knowledge of sexual intimacy a man and a woman need is that of each other. However, sex is not an entitlement in marriage, and the lack thereof does not excuse adultery. Consider this verse about gentlemanly consent and self-control: "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus" (Matt. 1:24-25). Joseph loved God and his family to deny himself pleasure until an appropriate time when his fiancée Mary could consent with a clear and holy conscience. Likewise, Paul gave these instructions about mutual consent and self-control:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command (1 Cor. 7:3-6).
The Bible on Premarital Sex
Let us be clear on a final point: the Bible does not equate premarital sex and casual sex. Nor does this section justify premarital sex. When the Corinthians asked Paul whether men should avoid having sex with women (see 1 Cor. 7:1), he responded, "But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband" (v. 2). In other words, the Corinthians assumed premarital sex in the verse. Believe it or not, Paul was consistent with the Law of Moses. Even the most casual reader of the Pentateuch (i.e., the first five books of the Bible) realizes that the Law prescribed harsh sentences for sexual immorality, including the death penalty. For example, the punishments for both adultery and homosexuality were capital (see Lev. 20:10, 13). However, God assigned a natural consequence to premarital sex rather than a punishment:
If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins (Exod. 22:16-17).
In other words, the Law required a young man to marry a young woman if he deflowered her. It also required him to compensate the bride's father for the economic loss of her work, given that the context was an agricultural society. God intended for the young man to take responsibility for his actions, to be a man, and to commit to the woman with whom he had sex. This command was God's way of ensuring that her lover would not abandon her. If a man and a woman take responsibility for their premarital sexual bond by getting married, they have not sinned. The Jewish Virtual Library (in Bard) gives this perspective:
In biblical times, a man was not prohibited from having sexual relations with a woman as long as it led to marriage. The Bible never explicitly states that a woman and man may not have sexual intercourse before marriage; therefore, no sanction was imposed for premarital sex, but it was considered a violation of custom.
Divorce: When the Bond Breaks
Jesus only gave us two statements about divorce:
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Matt. 5:32).
Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery (Matt. 19:8-9; cf. Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18).
However, there is more in the background than meets the eye. The Pharisees approached Jesus to test him (see Matt. 19:3-7). On what? Why would they try Jesus on a settled issue? Because, in the first century, divorce was not a resolved issue at all. The rabbinic schools of Hillel (c. 110 BC–c. AD 8) and Shammai (c. 50 BC–c. AD 30) disagreed over one of their interpretations of Moses' command about divorce was right. Here are the verses in question:
If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself . . . If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money (Exod. 21:8, 10-11).
The Hillelites understood the "if she does not please the master" clause to permit Jewish men to seek no-fault divorces against their wives, even for minor offenses like burning their dinner or not being as beautiful as another woman. This legalism was not the kind of no-fault divorce we have today. If a man divorced his wife in the first century, she was abandoned and left with nothing. The Shammaites found this interpretation appalling, noting that the Law of Moses required a divorcing man to still provide for the basic needs of his first wife. In contrast, the Hillelites read the Exodus text as a get-out-of-marriage-free card.
Jesus sided with the more conservative and literal hermeneutic of Shammai. Furthermore, this means that Jesus agreed with Exod. 21:10-11 as a valid grounds for divorce if a man 1) refuses to provide basic needs such as food and clothing; 2) denies his wife love and intimacy, abusing and neglecting her. In this case, the wife was no longer married to this horrible man. Jesus expressed only the part of the Law where there was disagreement between the Hillelites, the Shammaites, and himself. They all agreed that neglect and abuse were valid reasons for divorce. Despite the church leaders who say that adultery is the only scriptural reason for divorce, Jesus recognized abuse and neglect in keeping with Jewish tradition. If your leadership tells you otherwise, it is out of a selfish desire to control you, not because they believe God overlooks abuse and neglect due to a hyper-literal interpretation (see "Narcissism & False Teachers"). Such a thing would be out of character for God. Paul acknowledged this when he wrote:
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace (1 Cor. 7:14-15).
To summarize, here are the four conditions the Bible lists as violations of the marriage bond:
1) adultery, to include lust (e.g., pornography; lit. "prostitution art," see Matt. 5:27-28).
2) abuse (e.g., no provision of food)
3) neglect (e.g., no provision of clothes or money)
4) abandonment (e.g., emotional, sexual, religious, spiritual)
Conclusion
Although many churchgoers talk about the "sanctity of marriage," marriage is only sanctified if the husband loves his wife and the wife respects her husband. That is an absolute must. God does not bless a marriage by virtue of being a marriage any more than he sanctifies a false teacher who misleads 10,000 spectators at your local megachurch. God allows for virtue ethics (e.g., Ten Commandments) and situational ethics (see Mark 2:24-26). Of course, marriage is one of the highest virtues of which God blesses us, but only if we obey him. If you abuse and neglect your spouse, they are as good as widowed by your sin. You have broken your vows and destroyed the marriage. However, Paul wrote that reconciliation is possible if you repent and strive for peace. Marriage is such a holy institution that Jesus calls the church his bride, no matter how often we disobey him. When John wrote about the wedding feast at Cana (2:1-12), it was a foreshadowing of the wedding banquet we share with Jesus on the last day (see Rev. 19:7; 21:2, 9; 22:17). Jesus is the perfect groom, waiting patiently, exuding self-control, seeking consent, as well as perfectly modeling both love and respect. See here:
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me (Rev. 3:20).
Prayer
Blessed are you, LORD our God, King of the universe; you have so consecrated the covenant of marriage that in it is represented the spiritual unity between Christ and his church: Send your blessing upon these your servants, that they may so love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their home may be a haven of blessing and peace; through Jesus the Messiah our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.
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